Walter Is Getting a Little Sister

It has been three months since we extracted a plumbing system from my infected brain. Since then Walter has sprouted from his shaving, my incision has healed, and my CSF flows uninfected. However,  my brain DID NOT teach itself how to properly drain itself. After an extensive eye exam and another lumbar puncture it is apparent my intercrainal pressure is high again. In a predictable world the brain did not disappoint.

Walter peeking out. He is under control now.

Up to this point I had a few MAJOR headaches, and I was able to knock myself out with the wonders of Oxycodeine and Zofran (an anti nausea drug). This cocktail has always done me well and I keep Kyle extremely aware of my Oxy usage as I could easily become addicted to the euphoria it offers; please no judgment here. Also a familiar whooshing sound had reappeared in my ear. This symptom doesn't really bother me until I am ready to lay down and go to sleep. Then this whooshing I had been ignoring all day sounds like I am in the middle of a tidal wave. And there really isn't any way to rid my ear of the loud splashing sound but to turn on the TV and focus on a dumb sitcom like 30 Rock or Parks and Rec. So yes, I have to have the TV on to sleep and I know "they" say that isn't good for your sleep patterns. So with the help of a class II narcotic and bad sleep habits, I was makin' it! I managed to start substitute teaching, attend and stay awake for a 24 hour Oscars movie marathon, and dance so vivaciously at a wedding that I was unable to walk down stairs the next   day.                                                                                      

 

 My possible drug-induced euphoria was cracked Tuesday when I went to an appointment with my colorful neurosurgeon to look through some results and discuss the next step. I had to drive to Research Medical Center because I would vomit if I hadn't (motion sickness: another sure sign that something is not right up there). Dr. Basta quickly caught us in the waiting room before my appointment to ask if I was feeling "crappy" yet. He asked in kind of an ironic tone, but he was jolly. I knew he hadn't looked at my eye exam or LP results yet because when he came into the exam room, he seriously asked to look at my most recent incision. There was no talk of provocative magazine covers or kids' preschool dramas. I unleashed Walter and he quickly glanced at the incision and immediately said "I don't feel comfortable going in on the right side." At that point I can't remember if Kyle or I said "So does that mean another shunt?" Probably the rest of the appointment reads like a sitcom script:

BASTA

I can't make you do anything you don't want to do. I can just suggest treatments. 

BEFUDDLED PATIENT

Well I want to do what is best for my health and my eyesight.

BASTA

I can't guarantee that your headaches and eyesight will stabilize. We know that your optic nerve is swollen and you have two blind spots AND most importantly that the shunt gave you a lot of relief last year.

BEFUDDLED PATIENT'S HUSBAND

Umm...ok. Why the left side? So she would have to shave her OTHER side? [awkward pause as he ponders the fate of his wife's dueling hair patches] Now, I don't have a medical degree, but why wouldn't we just go into the already messed up side?

 

BASTA

[Leaning on a side table and trying to not giggle at the BEFUDDLED PATIENT'S HUSBAND'S awkward pause] We don't want to put a completely foreign object with no immune system back into the area that has previously been infected. If there is any left over bacteria, we would be giving it a missile to grow and then spread to the stomach.

BEFUDDLED PATIENT'S HUSBAND

[Still perplexed and scared of TWO Walters poking out of his wife's head] But we have clean CSF results. Isn't that enough proof?

 

BASTA

[Making sure to direct his attention to BOTH the BEFUDDLED PATIENT AND HYSTERICAL HUSBAND] Nothing is certain in medicine, and there could still be Staph left in her scalp, skull, or ventricles on the right side. However, left side is clear. We don't want to start all over again...right?

 

BEFUDDLED PATIENT

[Loudly with furrowed eyebrows] Oh hell no!

 

BEFUDDLED PATIENT'S HUSBAND

No, I guess not.

 

BASTA

Hey, we are lucky you have recovered so well and are alive. [BEFUDDLED PATIENT has a "What The Hell" look on her face as she feels that BASTA is being a bit dramatic] So if we decide on a shunt, the left side is the best bet. [Something clicks in BASTA'S brain. He looks at HYSTERICAL HUSBAND'S Mizzou Jacket] You going to Nashville?

 

BEFUDDLED PATIENT'S HUSBAND

Huh? To have the surgery? [pause, looking at BASTA'S eye line] Oh, you mean am I going to SEC Tournament? No, not this year. Maybe when we get good.

 

BASTA

Yeah it is a shame it isn't happening in KC. That was nice. Me and my buddies would go to The Cashew and drink then go get tickets from the street scalpers.

 

BEFUDDLED PATIENT

Sooooo....when will we do this surgery?

 

BASTA

By the end of the month [neglecting to give BEFUDDLED PATIENT eye contact]. Where do they have the SEC tournament?

 

BEFUDDLED PATIENT'S HUSBAND

Oklahoma City.[He has realized the conversation has veered off course] Oh, wow! That early for the surgery?

 

BASTA

Yeah! We wouldn't want anything to get worse and you want to be better in time for school to be out. She would need all of April and May to recover.[Directing all attention to BEFUDDLED PATIENT'S HUSBAND]. You know Oklahoma is a lot like Kansas City. You wouldn't chose to live there.  

 

BEFUDDLED PATIENT

[With a scorned woman voice] But you ARE NOT moving right?

 

BASTA

[Looking at BEFUDDLED PATIENT] No.

 

BEFUDDLED PATIENT

OK, because your name is written all over my head. I am sorry, but...

 

BASTA

Don't appologize. I am your advocate. Things like hitting your head happen. It is just the cards you were dealt. You know this reminds me of when we bought a pair of $90 shoes for my infant daughter and they got lost. [BEFUDDLED PATIENT sees the conversation taking another detour but hunkers down and listens to how her brain is like a pair of overpriced shoes only a nuerosurgeon would buy his baby daughter]. I can remember it; my mother-in-law was in town and all of us came home from the grocery store to find that Addie didn't have one of her shoes. And one shoe is pretty useless...right? I became mad and huffy about the fact we even bought $90 shoes, but then we didn't need to be losing them also. During my tantrum [giggle] my mother-in-law taps me on the shoulder and says [giggle] "This isn't going to be the first pair of shoes you lose." Right then I got it...shit happens!  

 

BEFUDDLED PATIENT

[Smiling] True, yeah...true! Totally! [a bit confused if the shoes represent the shunt or her brain or just life in general] So do you predict anything happening to this shunt?

 

BASTA

Medicine is not an exact science, so yes there is a chance; but small.

 

BEFUDDLED PATIENT

 Let me put it differently. I, an adult, have had both a malfunction and infection in the first year of having my first shunt? Will this string of unfortunate events likely happen again?

 

BASTA

I can't for certainty say yes or no. I have put many shunts in and then never see the patients again. Now some move away, but it is unlikely HUNDREDS of them moved away, so I am assuming their shunts worked well. If you have another malfunction we will go from there, but I would think positive and stop hitting your head [he snickers]. Also an infection doesn't just pop up one day. Either there is an systemic infection or trauma to the shunt and a good majority of patients avoid both.

 

BEFUDDLED PATIENT

Ok, lets do it! However, can we negotiate the night in ICU?

 

BASTA

[Looking as if this was NOT a common request] We can keep you in recovery until you are ready to be released to the 6th floor.

 

BEFUDDLED PATIENT

[Feeling as if she won a tiny battle] Deal!

  

I have painted Dr. Basta to be a complete ding bat who most likely has ADHD and can't stick to the point in a conversation. However, my Cluster of Crap would be a lot more boring without his social flaws and inappropriate side stories. Furthermore, I honesty I trust him to be my brain's plumber again. My anxiety was in check the whole time and I am proud to say that for the first time I didn't feel dizzy (or actually pass out) leaving his office. Maybe that is a sign that I am totally at peace with my pending surgery and the ACTUAL end is in sight.

 



  

So Walter will have a baby sister named Meg in honor of some new and kind friends who have two cats named Walter and yes, you named it, Meg. She will arrive on Monday.