In December, I felt like I was having headaches more and they became harder to numb, so I figured it was my migraine heritage finally rearing it's ugly head. The headaches did NOT resemble the nauseating pressure headaches that caused my skull to feel like it was going to blow apart. Therefore, I was very confident that all was well in the shunt department. Several generations of women in my family had suffered nasty migraines, and I had mostly avoided the dreaded migraine all my life. I figured my luck had ran out and I was now going to learn how to handle these headaches now.
I shared in the post:
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The Chick Who Hyperventilated in Birthing Class that I am crazy (not a fair label, but it makes it feel more light hearted and less serious to me.) and have been diagnosed and have effectively dealt with a panic disorder. This whole Cluster of Crap has added more triggers to this situation.
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Despite my panic, I was "flying solo" at this neurologist's appointment. My panic is mostly triggered with any event that has the prefix "Nuero" in it. So, it was unusual for me to go without my Kyle safety net. As a coping mechanism, Kyle usually escorts me to the majority of "Nuero" appointments because I don't hear the doctor correctly and ,quite frankly, rationally. I can't listen because I am trying so hard to stifle back tears, vomit, or dizziness that accompanies my panic. Sweat attacks embarrass me and I am constantly excusing myself to urinate because my body is on hyper drive. However, this appointment didn't phase me because I was just asking for a migraine medicine and that was it.
Now when I first had my shunt fitted, the neurosurgeon said that all other doctors will automatically freak out and jump to the diagnosis of a shunt malfunction. However, I figured my neurologist would be intelligent enough not to automatically jump to the shunt. After I explained textbook migraine symptoms and shared my family history, she surprised me and immediately said she thought it was a shunt malfunction. Yep...sweat waterfalls hit, vomit burnt my throat, words got lost, and my mind started to spin. "Wait, can we try a migraine med before we jump to the shunt?" Nope, she just was set on her assessment and ordered (1) A head CT (2) Blood work (3) An eye exam (4) A Neuropsychological exam and (5) My 18th lumbar puncture (spinal tap). So much for just getting my piece of paper with a migraine med scribbled on it. I was trying so hard to keep it together, I forgot to check out and the receptionist had to chase me down the hall to get my co pay. Then I sat in the van on the phone the with Kyle trying to calm down enough to drive home. I guess he should of come anyway.
I spoke of my Neuropsychological Exam in the post called:
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Short Term Memory Loss and A Bedazzled Belt Clip and I will talk about the lumbar puncture later in a post called: The 18th lumbar puncture gone wrong and the calm husband who turned ASSHOLE on an ER doctor. Yet my head CT is the most real example of how my panic sets in during the most routine and safe situations.
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Specifically my triggers are Research Medical Center, my neurosurgeon and anything to with his office, any headache that lasts more than 3 days, and going days w/o sleep . On December 23rd, I had to enter one of these triggers head on. I had to get a routine head CT there at that scary RMC. Kyle made sure to be with me this time. To prepare, I downed a Xanax (my crazy pill, I call it) at home before leaving. Now, the smell, the décor, even the employees' scrubs can send me into a panic tail spin so much so that I am sure I resemble a solider dealing with PTSD. Except soldiers deal with true trauma, death, and tragedy and I am just walking down to RMC's radiology's waiting room. Can we say weak willed? As I wait in the radiology waiting room with Xanax in my system, my body wants to rock back and forth; Kyle tries to stop my motion, but realizes that is futile and stops. My eyes can't focus and I can't complete sentences with Kyle's distracting conversation. The deep breathing I try is really just dramatic shallow breathing and I want to scream LETS GET THIS DONE SO I CAN LEAVE! Obliviously, the Xanax was not working, so I take another one. However with the swig of water going down, vomit meets it as it is coming up and I scurry to the restroom to lose my lunch. My body is fighting so hard not burst out into hysterics...it is exhausting! Finally they called my name and the poor tech who takes my somber shell back gets no laughs for his witty jokes and one word answers to his questions. He quickly gives up communicating with me and just gets the CT done as quickly as possible.
The irony is that after 1) A head CT (2) Blood work (3) an eye exam (4) A Neuropsychological Exam and (5)A Lumbar Puncture we found out that I do have migraines that respond perfectly to a common migraine medicine called Topamax and that I have some short term memory loss. All the tests and anxiety to prove that I, the patient, knew my own body. I am sure may struggle with panic, anxiety, or depression and/or have been correct about your body despite others' opinions. All we can do is keep moving forward while advocating for our own health!
