A Heavy Whole Body Agitation

Putting the Top Ten on hold so I can share about my panic and how it might just be manifesting it's ugly head right now.

After every medical situation, I seem to have a period of high anxiety/panic. After the insomnia pre-term labor thing (don't know what to call it), I had two unproductive weeks. After the Thyroid Storm, I had at least a month where panic plagued my mind to such an extreme I could not care for my kids. When I had original VP shut fitted, I struggled so much I was inflicting physical pain to myself as an escape from the mental discomfort. Then after the Spring shunt malfunction I struggled a week or two with tears and anxiety. By Spring, I used my medication like it was prescribed so my "crazy" period was shortened and a lot less severe. As a result of all this, the past 5 weeks I have been waiting for my bacterial meningitis/pulling the shunt situation to cough up the panic hangover I've experienced the past 4 times.

Last week I thought maybe I dodged the panic by using my medication correctly and beginning to write about my story, so I rejoiced. However, today I woke up with that pre-panic comatose feeling that prequels high anxiety. It is not about what my mind is thinking or worried about. It is about the heavy whole body feeling of agitation. I wake up with it, and it follows me to the shower, to my daily activities, and then to bed where it typically keeps me awake. With this agitation I stay hyper-vigilant of my emotions and obsessively try to put a reason to why I feel this way. This morning when I woke up with the heavy feeling I came up with a list of whys...

1. I forgot a refill on my SSRI, Paxil, so I had to skip a day until I got it filled.
2. I am in the "beautiful" time of the month so that could be messing with my nerves.
3. I am off all the pain killers and from the past (a whole other story) I know my system unintentionally gets addicted to opium derived drugs quickly, so I may be feeling a little "withdrawal" 
4. It is cold and no chance for sun/Vitamin D exposure.
5. No exercise lately
6. Crumbing eating too

So today I try to fix all that. First, I fix my diet. I have been eating Eggo's leftover pumpkin waffles on sale at Hy Vee for breakfast, they really are so tasty. But today I make a breakfast of steel cut oatmeal, blueberries and Greek yogurt. Then I fill my script and immediately take one and a Vitamin D supplement while I try to linger in the Hy Vee parking lot to get some sun on my face and forearms. When I start shivering, I decide I have had enough Vitamin D. Though I truly wanted to skip it and stay in my recliner, I make it to a Lee's Summit Momma's meeting. Isolation is horrible for panic/anxiety/depression, so I go because that is what I am suppose to do. However, after the meeting is over, I feel the heaviness get heavier. I go home and try for a walk, but it is too cold outside. So I manically clean the house to get my heart rate up; then maybe I can consider that exercising. As for the "withdrawal" and "beautiful" time theories I reassure myself that time is the only cure for those. My last aid is to try writing. Maybe writing will make me feel like I have some kind of control over it...that heavy feeling?

Now tomorrow, just ONE day after trying to fix the heavy feeling, will be a pivotal day. Either I will wake up feeling a little bit better or the same. If I feel the same, pure panic will take over because I will IRRATIONALLY think I am in the throws of a major panic episode and fear will keep my mind from settling down and resting. I sure hope tomorrow will be better and lighter.

I am still hesitant sharing about my mind's thoughts because they are irrational a lot of the time. Plus they are not very funny and hard to make fun of. However, I can't truly share my story without sharing my authentic self  rather than just comical superficial stories about my neurosurgeon, Diego, Ebony, and Walter. So sitting here with this heaviness is where I am right now, and I hope anyone else who struggles with similar problems will empathize.