#3-If only Edward Cullen were Real...

I managed to have 8 lumbar punctures performed on me as a treatment for the IIH before choosing the VP Shunt as a permanent fix.  For those who have not eaten in the past 20 min, a lumbar puncture (aka a spinal tap) is when a doctor sticks a torturous needle into my spine and attempts to avoid hitting my vertebrae. Kyle and I both know from blind LPs (LPs done without x-ray assistance) that when the needle DOES hit the vertebrae, an electric shock pulsates down the leg. This is why with my therapeutic LPs, I refused the potential pulsating leg option and non-confrontationally DEMANDED the use of a fluoroscope machine to aid a radiologist to guide the needle right to the sweet spot. The purpose of this barbaric process is to collect possible infected CSF, measure pressure, and drain excess CSF.

To make this whole vodka-worthy situation worse, the needle prick sometimes doesn't clot correctly and the spine leaks CSF. The leak leads to brain sagging... I inappropriately picture my back brain lobes resembling old boobies without a push-up bra. Then the droopy lobes cause a mind bashing headache. Now the medical answer for this sagging is disgusting and I often wonder who and how this remedy called a blood patch was discovered. It had to be one of those accidental discoveries that involved a boat-load of alcohol and/or drugs.

I have had 2 blood patches. My first one was explained and executed with sweet care by an anesthesiologist named Dr. Poe at St. Lukes in Lee's Summit. Dr. Poe was from Louisiana and his southern twang hypnotized me as he extracted what seemed like a quart of blood from my arm, and then within the same breath injected that sweet vampire nectar into my spine. The hope is that the new blood will clot the temporary hole and suspend the brain enough to where it wasn't sagging. Dr. Poe's procedure worked perfectly and as he used words like Ma'am, Y'all, and Piggly Wiggly Buggies (shopping carts for you damn Yankees), my headache vanished. My brain received that much needed push-up bra and I didn't even care that the support was provided by blood freakishly taken from my arm veins.

 

Ironically, a pic of my Twilight gang seeing Eclipse in matching T-shirts.



The second patch did not involve a gentleman, but an arrogant short man who resembled Sammy Davis Jr. All I can remember from the second patch is telling Dr. Sammy Davis that I needed to be laying down or I would pass out. As he heaved with frustration, he said "Nope...that is not how it is done" and started pulling blood from my arm. Then I heard him exclaim "Oh Lord!" as I fainted off to the right of the bed. I am not sure how they did the creepy patch while I was unconscious and why there was so much blood on the bed sheet and floor, but my head felt a whole lot better and I was released quickly not having to encounter the impatient doctor again.

When I went to a post-op appointment after getting my shunt, Dr. Basta told me that I would not have to ever have another LP again. If infection or pressure problems were probable, he could just tap the shunt and leave my spine alone. I call bull shit on that because I am looking at having one soon.