#7-The Chick Who Hyperventilated in Birthing Class

I noticed my posts have consisted mostly of IIH and VP shunt ordeals, but they are not the sole subject I want to highlight. I want to share my experiences with panic also. I want other suffers to read my posts and known they are not alone. Subconsciously, I have avoided panic posts and that might be a sign that I am not as healed as I thought. However writing about it has become a new and effective coping stratagy, so lets go! My panic has only publicly surfaced four times: in the Research ER, before they pulled my shunt, at Steak and Shake, and in a birthing class I attended when I was preggers with Moe. 

This story actually begins at Raytown High School in Mrs. Kudart's Anatomy Class. We had been studying the reproductive system and with signed permission slips, Ms. Kudart showed a VHS tape of a birth. I am still not sure that was the norm in most HS Anatomy classes? Seems like a bit too much for a high schooler to process. I truly didn't think the footage would phase me, but as the baby on the video crowned, my hearing muffled and my vision dimmed. I was going to pass out. I was 17 seeing a human emerge from another human and all the gore that comes with birth. Seriously, I don't think it was unreasonable for me to react by rushing out of class to the cool hall and laying down before I went unconscious. Needless to say, Ms. Kudart let me skip the birth part on my final.

Fast forward 6 years and I was plump with Moe in the education room at Boone Hospital Center. Kyle and I had signed up for an all day birth class to learn how to efficiently get Moe out of  his oven. We were late, therefore; we had the two most front and center seats in the room. All the other on-time parents got to stake out the peripheral seats out of the instructor's eye.

This was in the middle of my first panic period stemming from lack of sleep, so my senses were already very overstimulated, so it was amazing that I was able to get dressed and get to the hospital, but now I was front and center for 8 hours of Birthing 101.

In the beginning I was in my pre-panic comatose state. When the direction of the class moved from greetings to birth anatomy, a lump developed in my throat and I started twitching my leg. Then the instructor started explaining the different types of birth, and a twitter radiated through my body. Tears began rolling as the instructor went for the DVD player. I was obviously in distress, but I had read about how deep breathing could calm the circulatory system, so I was going to fight through this. Breath in 1,2,3...breath out 1,2,3...breath in 1,2,3 and so on. Well, the DVD showed various birthing situations and by the second situation, I was literally hyperventilating from panic in front of the whole class. The instructor asked if I was ok, and I rush out of the classroom. Kyle follows and we walk the hallways for over 30 mins. We debated if we should go back into the class, but as I walk closer to the room my breathing quickened. It was decided that we would skip the rest of the class and go to another one on a different weekend after my nerves had calmed and my Paxil was fully effective. We never got to another class before Moe came, but I had read several books and knew what to expect.

Then and there THAT room became a trigger for my panic. I had three babies at that hospital and could never go back to that specific room. Thank goodness Kyle was always willing to attend the after birth class required by the hospital before they release patient and baby. Kyle went to that class three times with all the hormonal new moms and learned about episiotomy care and breast feeding (a pretty funny image actually). Little irrational triggers are common for Panic Disorders. Hy Vee, Mohawks, and Words with Friends have been other past triggers.

No, it is not normal for a person to avoid Hy Vee or a doctor's office because of panic fear, but that is why I have medicine and coping strategies. With these aids, I become highly functional and stable. The students in that birthing class probably thought I wasn't suitable to take my baby home after hyperventilating from simply watching a birth. However, they didn't know I have a kick-ass support system and a working knowledge of my condition that is always evolving. Furthermore, I believe Moe's parents have done a fine job, so it wasn't fair of them to judge me. I try so hard to remember that as I meet people; I don't know their struggles, so I can't judge. Because I am human, I do fail a lot with judgment.

God, ironically, had Moe flip into the breech position 5 days before my water broke, so a C-section became my birth reality for all three kids. He only gives you what you can handle...right? Maybe I could not have handled a vaginal delivery, but I now know (after years of education) I can handle surgeries and my panic!